When it comes to conflict and arguments, many couples don’t even know what they are really fighting about. It often starts with something on the surface, like “I asked you to do the dishes and you didn’t” or “I knew you would yell at me because I didn’t get the right thing at the store, so I got five things,” or “Pick up your clothes, would you?” These seemingly trivial issues may spark a disagreement that escalates into a full-blown argument, often bringing up old grievances and feelings that the other person did something to you or made you feel a certain way.

The truth is conflict is never about what’s on the surface. It may be a starting point, but it’s not the real issue. Conflict is about the deeper triggers and the meanings we attach to them. These underlying issues are what truly cause the upset. The next time you find yourselves in an argument, ask yourself, “What is this really about for me?” and ask your partner the same. The dishes didn’t do anything to cause you harm—dig below the surface, and you’ll find the real culprit behind the conflict.

Understanding these deeper issues is crucial for resolving conflicts and improving your relationship. By recognizing that arguments often stem from deeper emotional triggers, you can address the real problems and work towards a more harmonious and fulfilling marriage. Remember, it’s not about the dishes—it’s about what lies beneath.